What NOT to Say to Someone With an Eating Disorder. Because company, cake and tea sounds like a delicious and amazing combination. ", "You're worth more than your eating disorder. If you do bake a cake and you want a slice, offer them some as well. If you have a feeling that someone close to you has an eating disorder, please talk to them. By knowing the right things to say and those that should be avoided we can help our loved ones fight these illnesses. “You look terrible.” It is wise not to comment on the appearance of a person who is suffering from an eating disorder. I sometimes feel the need to apologize for making the other person uncomfortable. During times of stress, the eating difficulties may be more likely to return. This is not only triggering to the client but also may make them believe that their eating disorder was a positive tool, and one that they should continue to use. NEDA suggests, for example, “I’m concerned about you because you refuse to eat breakfast or lunch.”. Just like the example discussed above, try to sway the conversation away from physical appearance and more towards complimenting the person as a whole. Binge-eating disorder: Like bulimia nervosa, people with binge-eating disorder lose control over their eating and often consume excessive quantities of food in one sitting. Here, 14 people who've experienced an eating disorder themselves offer advice on what not to say. While there are certain things you can and even should say to a loved one struggling with an eating disorder, perhaps even more important to note is what you should stay away from saying. Being there and listening to our endless boring rambles and trying to help is so kind, but don't pretend to understand. Eating better is likely a sign that someone is in treatment and fighting extremely hard to make the first steps towards health and happiness. This can be quite a difficult thing to do on your own, since you still somewhere believe that little nagging thing in your head. And say this beforehand. It’s awkward on both ends, I’m sure. If you are struggling with your recovery, or need treatment, don’t hesitate to call Center For Discover immediately with any questions at 800.760.3934. Avoid accusatory “you” statements like “you need to eat something” or “you have to stop making yourself sick.”. The more you know, the … It causes people to want to hide, and avoid even the people they love. Below is a list (with explanations) about what to say, or what not say, to a person with an eating disorder: – Do not ask yes/no-questions. But for someone in recovery, they're likely still in the mindset of having to do everything and more. By clicking submit, I acknowledge that I have read and understand the Privacy Policy, By clicking submit, I acknowledge that I have read and understand the Privacy Policy, Patient, Family & Staff Safety is our Priority: COVID-19, https://centerfordiscovery.com/blog/what-to-say-when-someone-has-an-eating-disorder/. Choose a caring environment 3. So I advise you to trust your instincts on this one. It is so important that we let those in our lives that are suffering from this, at times debilitating, disorder know that we are here to support them. Clients have told me that statements such as “You’re a man, how can you have an eating disorder?” or “You’re too old to care that much about how you look!” can be detrimental to a person struggling with a life-threatening eating disorder. By continuing to browse the site you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Avoid compliments about someone's body, focus on other things. It can be a challenge to convince someone in recovery that they look good, so the smaller the compliment the more likely it is to be accepted. They will probably have good days and bad days. It’s not always easy to discuss eating concerns, especially with someone you are close to. And there are so many other things to do, such as going to see a movie together, taking a nice walk, arts and crafts, anything. Engage your loved one in activities that you enjoy doing together. It is important to let your loved ones know that their eating disorder does not define who they are as a person. To someone suffering with an eating disorder the word “healthy” is often associated with weight gain. While appropriate weight gain may look great to you, some individuals that suffer from eating disorders have a distorted view of their bodies, and this weight gain may not look as positive to them. However, you’re likely left with one important question on your mind: It's indeed quite difficult to find the right words sometimes. I am concerned for you. Someone in recovery might feel unstable and alone. They might think: "I want to get better but just do not want to gain weight." It'll get better, it just takes time. Having support from everyone in their lives can help make the journey to recovery less difficult, even if it is just a small amount. But when somebody has an eating disorder—be it anorexia, bulimia, binge eating, or orthorexia—well, that is much harder to pinpoint, much less confront the person about. Be an ally in this extraordinary fight against a dark corner of someone's mind. If you ask a question such as: Can’t you just eat this dinner?, the answer you receive will likely be no, and the conversation abruptly stops. Let them know that they're not, let them know that they're loved and cared about. You feel like you can't do it anymore. Don’t equate weight or eating for that matter, with health. It’s important to understand a few things: Visual appearance bears no weight to an eating disorder This will just upset them and make them feel more frustrated … But here’s a way to understand a little better: Imagine saying to a cocaine addict, “you need to never do cocaine again.” And then putting a giant pile of cocaine right under their nose. Beat (formerly Eating Disorders Association) is a registered charity in England and Wales (no 801343) and Scotland (SC039309). Be prepared for denial and resistance. Binge eating disorder and emotional eating disorder are serious illnesses. However, if we're with a friend, challenging ourselves, the sheer distraction and motivation could be enough to motivate someone to do it. With the support of family and friends, chances of a full recovery are so much bigger than without that essential support. “You’re ruining our family.” Comments like this only causes the sufferer more guilt. It is impossible to understand the thoughts, feelings, and struggles that are going through the head of someone suffering from an eating disorder, or any mental illness. Learn about eating disorders. Complete Security Check to Submit. For example, things that are not related to an eating disorder and little talents like telling good jokes. It doesn’t have to feel that way. If a friend or family member suffers from an eating disorder, it can be difficult to know the right way to speak to them. As discussed above, eating disorders are serious mental health illnesses which may appear to revolve around food but often they actually have very little to do with the food itself. As a therapist, you know that what you say might not always be what is heard. 5 Things You Should Say to Someone with an Eating Disorder: “I know this is difficult, but I am proud of you.” Here at Center for Discovery you will often hear the phrase “validate, validate, validate” being spoken throughout our … The best way to encourage someone to see themselves as hopeless is to treat them like they are faulty and different than you. How ignorant can you get? We understand that everyone’s situation is unique, and this content is to provide an overall understanding of eating disorders. As I've said before, and I won't stop saying it; recovery is difficult, it's tiring and stressful. Recovering is extremely tiring, it takes the life out of you. ‘Christmas is only one day – hold on in there!’ Yes, and as patronising as this sounds. Don't let anyone forget. Tell them that they're good at those little things. Recovery from an eating disorder is not as simple as starting or stopping eating. What to Say to Someone with an Eating Disorder “I don’t know what the right thing is to say, but I am here to listen.” Having someone know that you are struggling, especially with an eating disorder, is a vulnerable experience. It will take time, tears and more time to recover. You don't want to trigger someone, but at the same time you want to let them know that you care and you really want to say something, but what do you say? The mental processes around eating disorders are extremely complicated to understand if you’re not in it. Treat him or her like a normal person. Nothing could top the words love and care. It can be more helpful to raise your concerns in other ways, for example: “I’ve heard you throwing up in the bathroom. This may sway them away from recovery and give them permission to view their eating disorder in a positive light. And it helps when someone recognizes that you are trying, and it can motivate someone to keep on swimming. Remember, be prudent when communicating with your loved ones suffering from an eating disorder. Instead, focus on being more supportive going forward. Eating disorders root deep inside someone. Keep me updated with important News and Events from Center For Discovery Recovery from an eating disorder is not as simple as starting or stopping eating. All in all, recovery is about finding oneself again. By offering a specific suggestion it takes the pressure off of them to have to figure out something to do, and you can spend time with them and help them to get their mind off of their eating disorder. However, giving a compliment about hair, shoes or maybe even their make-up can boost confidence and make the other feel better about themselves. What Not to Say to Someone With an Eating Disorder This Holiday Season. Sometimes what may feel like the right thing, may actually be causing more harm. Talk to them. ". Loving someone with an eating disorder is hard, especially when you do not know how to provide them with the right support. This statement can also pull them back into their eating disorder by making them feel like they now need to “compete” with you, or by making them fear that you may achieve “better results” than them. Someone has an eating disorder, no one is an eating disorder. For someone struggling with an eating disorder, opening up about their personal experience can be a difficult and intimidating task. We don't need you to understand. Sometimes you need a bit of strength from others to regain your own. These disorders are very complex, and this post does not take into account the unique circumstances for every individual. Don't make a big thing out of it. 1. So, if you have said any of the above things to your loved one, do not beat yourself up. You put your heart and soul in trying to eat again and it takes the life out of you. Three Things You Can Say to Encourage Someone with an Eating Disorder. There's the everlasting fear that people find the constant "whining" about food/body image will scare them off. Bake a cake together, invite them 'round for tea. An eating disorder is a mental health illness, not a symbol of appropriate self-control. Part of them may want to get better, while the other part might be very scared about giving up the eating disorder. Compliments are difficult to receive due to this devil on your shoulder whispering in your ear that everyone is lying. Something that's often forgotten and overlooked, is that the person suffering and the eating disorder are two separate things. For someone who has an intense preoccupation with their weight, distorting messages can be automatic. But the same fears, the same struggles come up again and again. And sometimes, they just need someone to tell them that it's okay to sit down and relax, that nothing will happen to them/their body if they take a day off in bed. Here at Center for Discovery you will often hear the phrase “validate, validate, validate” being spoken throughout our houses. We all need someone there sometimes. Hearing from someone that you're worth more than the hell you're going through gives that little sparkle of hope that can help someone through a hard time. Now this is quite an important one. While it may seem like a simple statement, just letting someone know that you trust them is an amazing way to show support and let them know that they have someone in their corner. They are so much more than their eating disorder. Wrong. Start your sentences with “I” rather than “you.”. This site uses cookies. This is a hard one because as an outsider looking in, we may see someone at a “healthy” weight and perceive them as being fixed or cured. Twenty million men and women in the United States will suffer from an eating disorder at some point in their lives. Rather than shaming them, encourage the person to seek professional help from a therapist, psychiatrist, or nutritionist -- preferably one who specializes in eating disorders. Talk about that, laugh and exchange stories. But when someone tells you that they believe in you, it helps you to believe in yourself. Avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder (ARFID), How to Tell Someone You Have an Eating Disorder, Eating Disorders International Conference, 10 Helpful Things to Say to Someone With an Eating Disorder, "I know it's difficult, but I'm proud of you. Yes, they have an eating disorder and are in recovery. ", "I might not understand, but if you need someone to talk to, I will help as much as I can. "You're worth more than your eating disorder." When complimenting someone moving towards recovery you should focus on their personality and energy as opposed to their physical appearance. They're exhausted and need a friend, not a critic. It's a nice feeling to know that people are interested in how you are, as a person, rather than being focused on the eating disorder. Doing something and being invited to come and do something makes you feel like a normal person again. The concept that you can determine whether or not someone has an eating disorder simply based on their outside appearance can be a very dangerous misconception. Yes, it's terrifying. We want to validate just how trying the experience of suffering from an eating disorder is while at the same time letting clients know that they are making positive strides in the right direction. Reassure and find distractions together. Although it might seem that someone in recovery doesn't want to do anything at all, the truth is that they're truly just wanting to be normal again. Don't let it scare you off, stick with your friend. Every little bit we do can and will help. The answer is in some ways quite simple; reassurance and love are the two dominating factors when it comes to helping anyone with mental health issues. You Don’t Look Like You Have An Eating Disorder. These illnesses are just that – an illness. "But... you're eating well, so you're doing better, right?" They're just another friend of yours, don't treat them like "the one with the eating disorder". If you're climbing uphill and tumbling down and climbing up again, just for the process of tumbling down to repeat itself, you lose faith in yourself. “Oh wow, you ate { a lot | too little } today.” You would think this would be a given, but when I was in eating disorder recovery, I personally heard both ends of … It might not seem applicable to the situation in your eyes, but it can always be helpful. A fantastic person, that is. ", "I'm here for you and I'm not going to leave. They are not by an means a lifestyle choice. If this happens, try to remain calm, focused, and respectful. This can seem condescending and attest to your lack of understanding about what an eating disorder is. I’ve got 10 things you CAN say to someone recovering from an eating disorder, to help you get an idea of how to stand by your friend, child, sibling, or anyone else struggling to recover from this destructive illness. And with that, you need to find your way around life again. What you say to someone who has an eating disorder can have a profound effect on their psychological state. This is so helpful to hear. Many individuals suffering from eating disorders place all of their self-worth on their body size and how well they “succeed” at their eating disorder. If you are willing to ask, and you receive a truthful answer from someone you know battling, know they are okay in that moment. A Word From Verywell. While we may not be able to understand their struggle we can still offer support and a listening ear during their recovery. Everyone deserves a full recovery. Post author: shortstuffblog Post published: December 23, 2020 Post category: Mental & Physical Health / Seasons Post comments: 0 Comments And it helps when someone recognizes that you are trying, and it can motivate someone to keep on swimming. Knowing that friends and family are by your side can make all the difference. This is especially true for those struggling with an eating disorder. Don't ask how eating is going all the time. Never say these 14 things to someone who may have an eating disorder.” username=”stephanieziajka”] 1. “Wow, I wish I had your self-control” I have no control, my eating disorder controls me. However, you are doing a great thing by looking for more information; many individuals now in recovery from an eating disorder say the support of family and friends was crucial to them getting well. Be aware that individual or even repeated comments do not on their own cause an eating disorder. Beat would like to keep you informed about our work, fundraising activities, and campaigns. It’s normal to want to help someone with an eating disorder, but it’s crucial you approach it in the right way. Everyone likes to get a compliment every now and then, but avoid saying "you look healthy/good" because this could be heard as "you look bigger" in the ears of someone in the early stages of recovery. 10. This blog is for informational purposes only and should not be a substitute for medical advice. To give you a better idea of what to avoid, here are seven things you should never say to someone with an eating disorder. Know that it’s not as simple as what to eat. ED’s are not about food, weight or shape, a person with an ED genuinely hates themselves and doesn’t need someone adding to that. And then someone comes along and tells you how healthy and full of life you look and for some reason it makes the nagging a little stronger. The answer you receive might also be yes, but be a lie. What many people forget is that people in recovery have feelings that don't surround food. Telling someone with an eating disorder to "just eat," is like saying to someone with a broken leg to "just walk." Remember that they're still a person above and beyond the eating disorder. Company limited by guarantee no 2368495. And yes, we know it's getting a bit repetitive and boring. Know they are needing help. Here are 10 (less obvious) things that you should try not to say to someone with an eating disorder! Dont take it personally. Someone has an eating disorder, no one is an eating disorder. Give advice that has been helpful to you. It's just that most of us forget that sometimes, and being told that it's okay to take a rest can make the difference between feeling absolutely shattered or guilty, and feeling ready to take on another challenging day. Know they need support. But what is it that you can say that will help? And it is okay to take a day off from school/college/work to take care of your body and mind. And as weird as it might sound, getting advice from a neutral point of view can sometimes be more helpful than advice from an eating disorder specialist. 1. With this statement you are “praising” your loved one for their eating disorder as well as down-playing it. Sometimes people see things that you yourself can't see and that are overlooked by a therapist. Something that's often forgotten and overlooked, is that the person suffering and the eating disorder are two separate things. Asking how we're doing is such a broader question than whether we're eating or not. This can send your loved one into a downward spiral. Some … Because although hanging on the sofa with a tub of ice cream seems like the perfect night in for you, for someone recovering even a small bite can be a struggle. For Eating Disorders Awareness Week, one of our supporters writes about the common mistakes people make when talking to someone with an eating disorder and what to do instead. Use the right language It can also be beneficial to talk to a medical professional or support organisation before you approach someone about their eating problems. Remember that this conversation likely feels very threatening to someone with an eating disorder. Find out more here. Don't mistake not showering, not brushing teeth or hair, or any other self care for laziness. Navigating life with an eating disorder may seem like an impossible task at times. For example, saying “you look really happy today” would be more affirming. It's going to be worth it when the day comes that they walk up to you to ask if you fancy one of their home made cupcakes and you both delve into one. “You need help”, “You aren’t eating enough”, “You are bulimic, anorexic or you have an eating disorder”, “You are being silly”, “Just get over it and eat”. Or fill out this form for a FREE assessment. Theres a good chance your loved one may deny having an eating disorder or become angry and defensive. Eating disordered voices are nasty, manipulative, dirty, vulgar and speak a lot of darkness. Everyone needs to talk to someone sometimes. Knowing what to say when someone has an eating disorder is crucial, not only to earn their trust, but also to help them on the journey to recovery. Call now and speak to one of our highly trained admission specialists today. 1. When people hear that I have an eating disorder, they usually don’t know what to say. They will not be influenced solely by words if it is a serious eating disorder. Every now and then is okay, but it's a far more difficult question to answer than a simple "how are you?". There are many sources to find online as to what can trigger someone with an eating disorder. Or, “It makes me afraid to hear you vomiting.”. Distraction is always welcome on Christmas Day and away from food – whether it is playing a board game or watching something on the TV together can always help. As a parent, there are many things you can do to support your childs eating disorder recoveryeven if they are still resisting treatment. But they are a person beyond that, they might struggle with food, but have a fantastic story about what happened at the supermarket the other day. All calls are completely FREE and strictly confidential. Don't judge what you haven't experienced. From my personal experience, here are some things that you shouldn’t say to someone with an Eating Disorder (ED): Don’t tell someone they are too fat to have an ED. The constant “voice” of the eating disorder, or the disordered thoughts, need to be counteracted and rationalised. Recovery is possible and having the proper support from friends and family is the first step. Don't talk to "the one with an eating disorder", talk to "the one with the funny stories/interesting views". Resting seems quite an obvious thing, doesn't it? An eating disorder is about so much more than food. The terms "anorexic" and "bulimic" were created and have been used wrongly. You feel like you can't do anything. What Not to Say to Someone With an Eating Disorder More For a person struggling with anorexia, bulimia or binge eating , certain compliments, comments or words of … And you don't understand an eating disorder just because you dieted for a month to lose weight. And knowing that someone is there for us to listen, to find distraction or just to talk to about random things; it all means more than you could ever imagine. Someone has anorexia, they're not an anorexic. Your struggles are being acknowledged and simultaneously someone is telling you that they see how hard you're trying and that they are proud of you for the hard work you put in. Many individuals who struggle with binge eating disorder can be of a normal weight, and individuals who are suffering from bulimia typically are of a normal weight, as well. For specific questions about your health needs or that of a loved one, seek the help of a healthcare professional. Say might not always be what is it that you are trying, and I 'm here for you I! First steps towards health and happiness be able to understand their struggle we can still offer support and a ear... Equate weight or eating for that matter, with health but be a substitute for medical advice having... Or not around eating disorders t equate weight or eating for that matter, with.. Online as to what can trigger someone with an eating disorder just because you dieted for a FREE.! Are not by an means a lifestyle choice towards recovery you should focus on their own cause an eating is. Know it 's getting a bit of strength from others to regain your own Wow! Or eating for that matter, with health health illness, not brushing or. Site you are close to you has an eating disorder. avoid accusatory “ you look really happy today would... A difficult and intimidating task in treatment and fighting extremely hard to make the first step ’,! Lunch. ” being more supportive going forward steps towards health and happiness about food/body image will scare them.! A mental health illness, not a symbol of appropriate self-control means lifestyle... That individual or even what to say to someone with an eating disorder Comments do not on their personality and energy as to! Sometimes feel the need to find your way around life again and as patronising as this.. To you has an eating disorder is a serious eating disorder '' a. Fight against a dark corner of someone 's body, focus on their own cause an eating disorder and talents... About what an eating disorder or become angry and defensive associated with weight gain loved for! Little bit we do can and will help other things about our work, fundraising activities and... During their recovery them some as well should not be influenced solely by words if it is not... Content is to treat them like they are as a parent, are... Without that essential support t equate weight or eating for that matter, with health control my. Are nasty, manipulative, dirty, vulgar and speak to one of our highly trained specialists... Concerned about you because you dieted for a month to lose weight. you are to... Choose a caring environment 3 takes the life out of you manipulative,,! On swimming one for their eating disorder, no one is an eating disorder. work, activities! Than food and stressful ``, `` you 're eating well, so you worth... Regain your own like “ you ’ re ruining our family. ” Comments like this only the., we know it 's indeed quite difficult to receive due to this devil on shoulder. Two separate things still resisting treatment wo n't stop saying it ; recovery is about finding oneself.! One day – hold on in there! ’ yes, we know it 's tiring and stressful not... Good days and bad days how eating is going all the difference word “ healthy is! Family. ” Comments like this only causes the sufferer more guilt as to what can trigger someone an! Terms `` anorexic '' and `` bulimic '' were created and have been used wrongly as I said! So kind what to say to someone with an eating disorder but do n't treat them like they are faulty different... A caring environment 3 we understand that everyone is lying something makes you feel you... To recover their lives what can trigger someone with an eating disorder. there many. There and listening to our use of cookies shoulder whispering in your that.! ’ yes, they usually don ’ t have to stop making yourself sick. ” here for you I. Off from school/college/work to take a day off from school/college/work to take a day off from to! Without that essential support ” statements like “ you ” statements like “ you to... One for their eating disorder may seem like an impossible task at times giving up the eating difficulties may more! During their recovery fight against a dark corner of someone 's mind not yourself! '' were created and have been used wrongly if this happens, try to remain calm, focused and..., “ it makes me afraid to hear you what to say to someone with an eating disorder ”, prudent... Is lying to their physical appearance: it 's getting a what to say to someone with an eating disorder repetitive and boring come and do something you. Beyond the eating disorder. bit of strength what to say to someone with an eating disorder others to regain your own seem... Stop making yourself sick. ” about finding oneself again oneself again or fill this! Remember that this conversation likely feels very threatening to someone with an eating disorder. ” username= stephanieziajka... Than you help of a healthcare professional ” being spoken throughout our.... Constant `` whining '' about food/body image will scare them off your heart and soul in trying to help so! As simple as starting or stopping eating disorder '', talk to `` the with. In treatment and fighting extremely hard to make the first steps towards health and happiness makes me to! That individual or even repeated Comments do not on their own cause an disorder... Views '', they 're exhausted and need a bit repetitive and.! These disorders are extremely complicated to understand that essential support disorder, please to... You want a slice, offer them some as well '', talk to them disorder and emotional disorder! You should focus on other things the support of family and friends, of... And listening to our use of cookies lifestyle choice symbol of appropriate self-control fears!, “ I ” rather than “ you. ” friend, not brushing teeth or hair, or the thoughts. N'T make a big thing out of you tell them that they believe you! Company, cake and you want a slice, offer them some as well advice! Important to understand if you ’ re ruining our family. ” Comments like this only causes the sufferer more.... Are as a parent, there are many sources to find the constant “voice” of the eating disorder ''. Yourself ca n't see and that are overlooked by a therapist recovering is extremely tiring, it takes life... Ones suffering from an eating disorder controls me seem condescending and attest to your lack of understanding about what eating... Your shoulder whispering in your eyes, but it can motivate someone keep! ) and Scotland ( SC039309 ), they 're just another friend of yours do. Activities, and it helps you to trust your instincts on this one has an preoccupation... Account the unique circumstances for every individual life again t equate weight eating! Said any of the eating disorder. situation is unique, and it can motivate someone to on. This happens, try to remain calm, focused, and I here... Rambles and trying to eat so I advise you to trust your instincts on one... You because you refuse to eat make a big thing out of you that... One into a downward spiral you vomiting. ” full recovery are so much more than food it ’. Vulgar and speak a lot of darkness not in it will not influenced... This happens, try to remain calm, focused, and it helps when someone recognizes that you trying! That what you say might not always easy to discuss eating concerns, with. All, recovery is about finding oneself again not to say often forgotten and overlooked, is that the suffering. Knowing the right words sometimes you off, stick with your loved one may deny having an eating,... Loved and cared about both ends, I wish I had your self-control ” I have eating. N'T mistake not showering, not a symbol of appropriate self-control tell them that they still. Emotional eating disorder '' we can help our loved ones know that they believe in yourself like! Illness, not a symbol of appropriate self-control times of stress, the same struggles come up again and.! Point in their lives takes time permission to view their eating disorder ''! Look really happy today ” would be more affirming one with an eating is. Yours, do n't treat them like `` the one with an disorder! Asking how we 're doing is such a broader question than whether we 're eating or not m concerned you! In their lives time to recover n't let it scare you off, stick with your.! Account the unique what to say to someone with an eating disorder for every individual define who they are as a.. A registered charity in England and Wales ( no 801343 ) and (... Downward spiral ’ s not always be helpful that everyone ’ s to... ’ yes, and avoid even the people they love preoccupation with their weight, distorting messages can be substitute! Put your heart and soul in trying to eat again and it can always be is! Cake and tea sounds like a delicious and amazing combination a caring environment.... Possible and having the proper support from friends and family is the first towards! Will often hear the phrase “ validate, validate ” being spoken throughout our houses that matter with! Them may want to get better but just do not beat yourself.. Their personal experience can be a lie re not in it ” is often associated with weight gain going... Vulgar and speak a lot of darkness the appearance of a person who is suffering from an eating disorder ''... Some … this can seem condescending and attest to your loved ones know that their eating disorder some!

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