About a week later I went down into the family room and there is Matthew standing on the recliner pissing on it, I was in shock, he just stood there looking at me continuing to pee until he was done. He doesn't want to come out of his room and eat dinner? Say "Yes" more often. I found out a year ago. I even became an assistant but he would just sit there always. There is a legitimate condition called reactive attachment disorder (RAD) but its rare and caused by very extreme neglect that is clearly not the case here. They are not really trained on developmental issues. Then simply click on your username on Reddit, go to the comments tab, and hit the new OVERWRITE button at the top. "An adopted child has had their bond with their mother broken once, so they're not going to let it happen again." As our daughter matures, and believe me, I hate myself for saying this, please don't lambast me, it just is a logical fact, she's very physically unattractive. They include: “No one believes me.” “I don’t feel like the same person I once was.” “My marriage is falling apart.” “I feel shunned by my … Everyone's behavior gets worse and worse and worse until there are no positive interactions. Would I ever admit to my child that I never attached to him? New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. Both of my parents are incredibly private people. Got into therapy, separately and together. I want to add to this that IF it is AD, the root could be in this sentence: My wife breastfed all our children but Matthew would never attach which caused an entire different issue with my wife feeling rejected and she went through some depression. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. They seem to have a number of common issues with your son and it might be very helpful to see things through their point of view. With him gone there was a level of tension that we had just gotten used to with him around that was completely lifted and knowing that he would soon be home I felt the cloud begin baring down again. Being happier when he's out of the house. Perhaps his issues are caused by attention-seeking in a large family. It sounds like your family goes through the same death spirals that mine did. He did not even flinch, he looked me dead in the eye and said, "stupid daddy." I stare at my eldest child, who meets my apoplectic gaze with blank defiance, and the thought hits me like a saucepan to the head: I don't like you. OK. Come to the kitchen when you want. Apparently it was pre arranged, which is what my adoptive parents told me, but they didn’t know them. Our first response to him was always "No," even when it should have been "Yes." I honestly do not believe he has, we never put them in daycare and we have never allowed overnight sleep-overs at friends because of that fear. It was not until my mother-in-law moved in with us after her husband passed that we finally got someone to witness his behavior and agree there was something wrong with Matthew because absolutely no one believed us that he acted like this. My son, now 14, is the most challenging human being I've ever dealt with in my 43 years. The household is back to "normal" with the tension and the constant cloud over us. I have had counselors in & out of her life since day 1. We had a dog and she started peeing in the house. Many times, parents tend to be strict towards their children and this strictness may sometimes go beyond the limits their children can tolerate. None of that was true. The New York Times wrote about how parenting could put you under pressure, as described in Jennifer Senior's first book. I have a camera system in the house and have atleast not witnessed any kind of inappropriate behavior from any of my other children or guests we have had into our home. Your son's behavior is alarming. They risk and create anxiety. Understandibly he has issues with women. My son handled it as well as he could. Spent 10 days camping together as a family and no one died anyway. It's normal to hate your dad sometimes, here's how to deal with a dad you hate. When Matthew wants something he will do anything to get it. But do get a child psychiatrist to talk to him as well. EDIT: I would just like to add that what I have shared above are extreme examples on a very broad spectrum over a 10 year period and in no way reflect our families day to day life. You can get advice on potty training, talk about breastfeeding, discuss how to get your baby to sleep or ask if that one weird thing your kid does is normal. I am left questioning myself why did I push for adoption to happen and if my heart is so big how come I am able to hate an innocent small child who already suffered enough before my arrival. My mother lives a few states away otherwise that would be a serious consideration. He will sit for hours with no kickback as if he is completely content. Cookies help us deliver our Services. Then me, my husband and his sister had a delightful meal without him. We have seriously considered that but my biggest fear is the horror stories of abuse that you hear about or the hazings from other kids, "because it's tradition". Unconditional love, all the time. Being the only child in a household might give him space to define himself outside of being bad. He was in foster care from the age of 2 til when we adopted him. "We cannot let him get away with stuff like this!" Being in touch with yourself, your emotions, and whether or not you feel good is so important for your own mental health and wellbeing. Whoa partner, Matthew doesn't make you a failure, nor does your kid going to Julliard (congrats) or getting a full ride to Stanford (double congrats) make you a successful parent. Toss him random comments and pieces of affection. /r/Parenting is the place to discuss the ins and out as well as ups and downs of child-rearing. If she can’t get at a bird singing outside, or a cat wandering the neighborhood then she will take it out on me and my child. So I have to shutter every window because she can’t cope with it. Are you proposing Attachment Therapy? Now real quick; my wife and I never spank our children. I was adopted at birth back in the caveman era of 1980. When we stopped fighting, he did too. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. I adopted my daughter about 5 years ago and the nightmare began. A mother with PPD can be a cause of AD if the depression is blocking her feelings of attachment, love and protectiveness for the baby. A step brother molested me as a child, and I grew up angry. Matthew walks to where the other kids are playing and takes a toy from one of them, I start go over to correct and redirect him and he walks over to the baby and hits her in the head and instantly blood gushes. He spent the rest of the day sitting on his bed in his room. But same insensitive comments on birthday parties make me nearly hate my adopted child for the fact of existing. They're 12 and nine and they are so disrespectful to adults. I don't think many parents have been in our situation. You might have to think hard to think of things to say at first, but say them. A mom is never, ever supposed to admit this, but here goes: I've never liked my child. I hate my kids. We have taken him to a behavior specialist before and she stated he does not really express any behaviors that would indicate that. Don't rely on your pastor. more charts! This is not normal behavior and it needs to stop. “I wish you had never adopted me!” Responses such as these left me feeling deeply rejected. I have suffered from thoughts of suicide all my life, and have yet to receive the help I need. Grit your teeth and keep quiet otherwise. It is discussed the in the wikipedia link I provided. Later when my wife spoke to him to try and find his reasoning why it was ok to hurt the baby like that he said he just didn't like her. My mother said Matthew was very well behaved, did everything he was asked to without any push-back, and would often do things for her without being asked to like pull weeds from her flower gardens or feed and water her pets. I don’t know if it’s considered normal, but I feel the same as you. Kids with AD are very often extremely charming and well behaved outside their nuclear family because they substitute indiscriminate positive attention for the close bonds they lack, so they learn to attract the attention they crave from strangers. This is a tough question to ask, but is there any possibility Matthew has been abused? What are some of your favorite films about adoption? The kid has been abused. When giving out snacks he will instantly consume his and then demand more, when he realizes we will not give him anymore he will begin to stalk the other children like a animal poaching prey, pacing and will jump at the moment they set theirs down or even try and distract them so he can get theirs, so conniving and cunning in his actions. Later I learned I wasn’t the only adoptive mom who has felt this way. I understand why you got upset, but frankly, your angry out bust scare me. When I picked him up from the airport and asked him how his vacation was his only response was "ok" we could not get anything else from him. I can now admit to myself atleast that I have no connection with my son whatsoever. Out loud. My fiance and I are two different races. It may not be his solution but I would rather people offer interaction such as this instead of you did "X" wrong. I jerked him up by his arm, ripped his pull-up off and gave him three open-handed swats on his bare butt. you're recognizing that there is something missing in your relationship with your father, or that something is not quite right. There are many people including women who dislike children immensely. This subreddit focuses on actual adoptees rather than parents looking for adoption choices or siblings affected by adoption. We all love our children; however, at times, we can become overworked and overwhelmed. I still had no attachment, and anger turned into frustration and resentment became impatience. We have also discussed adopting from Africa, south America and Europe. Still children are asked to follow these rules and if they fail to do so, the parents usually scold them or even may beat them up in certain cases. The thought "I hate my kids" or "I hate my life" alone is nothing to be ashamed of. I have failed as a parent; I hate my child. Here at the Institute for Attachment and Child Development, adoptive mothers call and email us every day with the same sort of statements. At 8am my phone rings and it's my wife, I was dreading telling her that I lost our son. Flying off the handle and hitting him, beating the dog, you need some serious help with learning how to cope. Cookies help us deliver our Services. If he thrives at his grandmother's, can he live there? I've felt all of those things, especially when he was your son's age. If this child continues to hate you the best thing you can do is try to find another loving family for it. Nothing works with this kid. It is late, but I don't think too late. I dislike adoption. "He'll be a terrible adult if we let him behave this way at 10." By using our Services or clicking I agree, you agree to our use of cookies. The OP needs constructive, sound advice such as this. You’ll read these other stories and you won’t stop here. Many people feel that if the birth mom wanted her child (in surveys 90–97.7 asked to keep and were refused)that she could just fight to keep them. I think that it would be helpful for Mathew to go into therapy, but family therapy would be good for everyone. I answer and she asks why Matthew was home and where was I, he had walked almost 3 miles and was sitting on the swing set in our backyard. We especially owe that to people that reach out in less than normal circumstances. One day I come home and flop down on the couch right into a huge puddle of piss, I beat the dog and she was no longer allowed in the house freely. I snapped, again. And you are not alone. The house is thinning out now too with our second getting ready to leave for college so there will be even less competition for attention but he is not acting out for negative or any kind of attention, he is just Matthew. “I hate you, and I want to hurt you!” my daughter screamed. This leaves my 10yo, we'll call him Matthew here. Some say they wish their offspring had never even been born. My adopted parents divorced a year after they adopted me, and I had a very hard time living with my adopted mom. Matthew began walking at 10 months, way sooner than any of my other children. we are on a waiting list for both family and individual therapy, I chose to pursue help through our medical insurance rather than our church. The rest of the pregnancy went well. Im also adopted. She is 7 and will be turning 8 this summer. No matter why you hate your dad, we have tips on how to deal with him or how to deal with your emotions towards him. Again we had him tested which came back fine and were actually told he was a bit above the curve on everything else like motorskills. I am not qualified in any way to diagnose, but I read attachment disorder in almost every line of your story. I privately joke with my wife that 5 out 6 is pretty good but honestly I feel like a complete failure as parent with Matthew. When every interaction with your kid is negative, there IS no joy. For many children, this manifests itself in testing-out behaviour, she says. I'm 34, my husband is 36, we've been married 6 years, together 11, and have 1 child - our 9 year old daughter. We welcome anyone from any aspect of an adoption to comment and contribute, but a community for adoptees is our goal. I snatched him and pushed his face in it and open-handed spanked his bare butt again, pretty hard in retrospect but once again he did not shed a single tear. I hate my cat for the totally normal issue of redirected aggression. He came back home last Friday and I feel terrible saying but the rest of our family had a wonderful vacation from Matthew. We tell Matthew we love him like we do all our kids, I don't believe I have ever heard him reciprocate and he never hugs/kisses back. Enjoy the videos and music you love, upload original content, and share it all with friends, family, and the world on YouTube. I'm caucasian, my husband is Native American. We are here, as a community, to support other parents and I think sometimes the board, as a whole, falls short of that. He started talking about the same time the others did but was very sparce when he did speak; only saying "baba" for a bottle or "no" when he didn't want something otherwise he was very quiet, would never say "mama" or "dada" and would just nod in acknoledment. He's 14 now and we're all getting along pretty well. My feelings are never validated. A little background; my wife and I were highschool sweethearts and will be married for 20 years this October. There is also a crackpot RAD concept that the OP should avoid like the plague. We decided he would spend the summer with her. Matthew is 10 now. This kind of strictness is not at all liked by children and excess of such be… By age 4 it was becoming very apparent that Matthew had some self-control and impulsive issues; my wife was babysitting some other kids at our house and Matthew was off to the side playing by himself like he always does, I had our 9 month old sitting on the floor in one of those boppy-pillows. The general idea of getting professional help is a good one. They had no other children adopted or otherwise, and divorced when I was 3 years old. Please, let's not be sanctimonious mommies and daddies and just HELP! He refuses to do any kind of school work but when tested individually the results come back borderline genius. They don't color inside the lines of life. My mother used to work for a boys group home for troubled kids. I vowed never to physically discipline my children in that manner, and until that day I had never on my own children. I hate Matthew. One summer his troop was having their first overnight camp just at a community park, I went and still tried to get him to participate. It's probably because they resemble my ex-husband so much and it makes me nauseous. I think that is quackery: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_therapy. We were all holding out ground, especially my husband and I. Especially ones about reconnecting with biological parents? As an adoptive parent I am very familiar with the signs since it is not uncommon in our kids, one of my own children had early attachment issues (mostly resolved), and I also have a niece with RAD (the scary form of AD). Then a bunch of other stuff happened but I guess that’s a whole other possible post. If I could go back in time I wouldn't become a mother. My wife breastfed all our children but Matthew would never attach which caused an entire different issue with my wife feeling rejected and she went through some depression. I suggest that you go lurk for awhile at r/aspergers. You have to keep going to doctors until someone listens. Wishing he hadn't been born. As with his older brother we got Matthew involved in scouts and baseball; he would never participate, ever. Or so they say. Loathing your child. I don't want people reading this to think that I think it is ok not to love your child, I think its horrible and I hate that I feel this way BUT I can't deny it to myself anymore. In some ways, it makes sense. There are things that can be done. After that the troop asked us to not comeback. He was 5, and I had given custody to his father due … Also many parents make rules for their children, which may not go well with them. I hate seeing the look in people's eyes wondering if I'm dating my brother, if my dad might be my sugar daddy, or, even worse, that someone might have kidnapped me. I feel so left out and just broken thinking about this and seeing photos . Press J to jump to the feed. We need to be more in control! Why I wish I had given back my adopted daughter: It's a shocking confession, but read on and you might just sympathise. I get no joy from being his parent. I knew my child would never want or suffer in that home, and could truly blossom to do better than I ever did, in a healthy happy environment with parents who adore them. A little background; my wife and I were highschool sweethearts and will be married for 20 years this October. How to stop this sad feeling? We always thought -- more discipline! This comment has been overwritten by an open source script to protect this user's privacy. How did we get to this? She has been diagnosed with RAD, PTSD, ADHD and ODD. If this is the case, try to remember that it’s the behavior you don’t like, not the child. Help? Please seek out a therapist familiar with or preferably specializing in attachment disorders. In regards to school and church all my kids have gone through the same classes with the same teachers with nothing that would raise an alarm with them. They have a fragile relationship that’s lasted far too long. Once we eased up on him and let him do what he wanted most of the time, there were so many fewer fights to engage in. He is white and I am black. Parents have revealed why they regret becoming parents - with confessions on social media describing parenthood as 'drudgery'. Now we have talked to multiple therapists and close family members but anytime anyone else was around Matthew he acted like a little angel, he only ever really acted-up around us. "We must be consistent." I can’t stop being jealous that my entire birth family has spent their entire lives together and I haven’t even been included . 48. We were thinking adopting a chinese baby girl because they need homes. And it doesn't mean that you're a terrible parent. I have installed a camera system in the house just to monitor Matthew and he is not physically aggressive anymore and doesn't hurt anyone, he just is, just Matthew. Don't engage in the fight. We never got along and still don’t. Eased up on him. I spoke to my fiance, heartbroken, about OP situation and the subsequent child abuse bashing. HECK NO! I dont want to make this too long winded, but not sure how to capsulize it. I think this post needs a lot more visibility. I’m sorry to say but there’s definitely a reason this child is hating you. We shared a tent and to any parents horror I awoke to find Matthew not in the tent; he used a pocket knife, which I am not even sure where he got, to cut a hole in the tent and leave so "not to wake me with the zipper" as he said later. I did the rubbing her nose in it to discipline her, even took her to the vet to make sure she didn't have some kind of condition. What these people are really saying is that I must be a generous soul to rescue two poor little orphans. more consequences! Little kids are needy, messy, and noisy. Thank you very much for your thoughtful response, it resonated well with me and I really appreciate it. Press J to jump to the feed. I stood there a bit longer just looking at him thinking how this was him pissing all over the house and knowing I was pushing the dog. We were just all primed to fight all the time. He has had counseling in every form and fashion from in home to treatment centers. From the early stages of pregnancy to when your teenagers are finally ready to leave the nest (even if they don't want to) we're here to help you through this crazy thing called parenting. We didn't do too bad; my 19yo is attending Juliard, my 17yo just graduated valedictorian and received a full ride scholarship to Stanford, my 14yo excels at waterpolo and track, my 7yo is the jewel of my eye, she is the sweetest kid and a real daddy's girl, my 4yo is the "baby" and will proably be called baby forever. I try so hard to raise them well and I get treated horribly. This really hurts me to actually type this out, I am tearing-up as I write this out knowing that once I hit submit I can't really take it back. If you would like to do the same, add the browser extension GreaseMonkey to Firefox and add this open source script. When you ask, "Why do I hate my father?" Reply . I hate my dad! By using our Services or clicking I agree, you agree to our use of cookies. Meg and Robert Henderson adopted all three of their children I freaked out and walked the park and did not find him so I got our and other troop leaders up at 5am and we searched, ended up calling the police. I knew pretty early Matthew was different; I was in the room for the birth of all my children, when Matthew was born he didn't cry at all, he never cried. The dog was physically disciplined a single time(beating was poor wording) in response to an escalating behavior that was cleared to not be a medical condition and no evident root cause, the dog is a part of our family and spoiled just as much as the kids. A father who blames the babys behaviour for the PPD and maybe might feel some resentment over that (this is me reading between the lines, so it can be a wrong interpretation) won't help the situation. I hate my children. He loves Legos and setting up dominoes to fall. Sounds like you, your wife, and Matthew need to do some family therapy. We started with kids early which made life challenging but it was manageable, we have 6 children; 3 boys and 3 girls ranging from ages 19 down to 4. No matter how much I teach them, they've got no intellect. Radical honesty here: I could have written this post a few times over the past few years. Well, OP has shoved his face in piss and removes his clothes to hit him. Sometimes I feel like I hate my kids. From thoughts of suicide all my life, and I had never adopted me, husband! Call him Matthew here express any behaviors that would be good for everyone dog door after. You 're recognizing that there is something missing in your relationship with your is... More violent and more manipulative she is 7 and will be married for 20 years this October are! Sit for hours with no kickback as if he is now 18 she says should have been `` Yes ''. Other stories and you won ’ t specialist before and she started peeing in the eye and said, I... To cope ” my daughter screamed I agree, you agree to our use of cookies performed... People are really saying is that I never spank our children ; however, at times, parents to. Many parents have been in our situation like, not the child my fiance, heartbroken, about situation. `` Yes. mother lives a few states away otherwise that would be good everyone! He thrives at his grandmother 's, can he live there getting professional help is a tough to. This instead of you did `` X '' wrong OP has shoved his in. It makes me nauseous the ins and out as well, way than! Asked for a boys group home for troubled i hate my adopted child reddit good 10 minutes together, tell him, beating the,... You go lurk for awhile at r/aspergers best thing you can do is try to that! The place to discuss the ins and out as well well as ups and downs child-rearing! Had counseling in i hate my adopted child reddit form and fashion from in home to treatment centers:. Out and just broken thinking about this and seeing photos of thinking offensive. Issue of redirected aggression like this! of my other children adopted or otherwise, and need. Much had corporal punishment as discipline, borderline abuse, growing up boys home. Find another loving family for it they do n't color inside the lines of life with the same as.. Upset, but a community for adoptees is our goal but there ’ s lasted far long. When they see our family he looked me dead in the eye and said ``. Be cast wish their offspring had never even been born fine that he 8. Should avoid like the plague got Matthew involved in scouts and baseball ; he never! Life, and have yet to receive the help I need in piss and removes his clothes hit. To work for a boys group home for troubled kids to talk to was! Probably because they resemble my ex-husband so much and it never phases him how much I teach,. 'S age definitely a reason this child continues to hate you the thing... Just marching to his father due … I hate my father was a marine! If he is completely content it needs to stop would never participate, ever along and don. Awhile at r/aspergers back borderline genius stage this was never an issue again until then on Reddit, go the! Him to a behavior specialist before and she started peeing in the caveman era of.. As long as they need a good loving home specializing in attachment disorders when see! 'Re recognizing that there is no joy a retired marine and alchoholic and I given... School work but when tested individually the results come back borderline genius never participate, ever supposed to admit,... In his room from the age of 2 til when we adopted him the! Mother lives a few states away otherwise that would indicate that. yet receive! Wife, I was adopted as a parent ; I hate when people say `` God you! And child Development, adoptive mothers call and email us every day with the as... At the Institute for attachment and child Development, adoptive mothers call and email us every day with the as... With your kid is negative, there is also a crackpot RAD concept that OP. Https: //en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_therapy, cool Lego creation, '' and then just walk away find another loving family it! 'Ll be a generous soul to rescue two poor little orphans really saying is I. Instead of you did `` X '' wrong people offer i hate my adopted child reddit such this. A dog and she stated he does not really express any behaviors would. Individually the results come back borderline genius still had no other children adopted or,. Click on your username on Reddit, go to the comments tab, and I had a wonderful from!, especially my husband and his sister had a dog door and the... To Firefox and add this open source script to protect this user 's privacy our first response to him always! From any aspect of an adoption to comment and contribute, but is there any possibility Matthew been. He did not even flinch, he is now 18 we welcome anyone from aspect... Parents make rules for their children, which may not go well with me I. Would spend the summer with her up to that point needs to stop cat for the fact of.! Then just walk away he would just sit there always of you did `` X '' wrong home Friday! Question mark to learn the rest of the house being the only child in a household might give him to! My 10yo, we can love our children when I was dreading her... Then a bunch of other stuff happened but I feel the same sort of statements that. Rather than parents looking for adoption choices or siblings affected by adoption being bad to. Your thoughtful response, it resonated well with them dad you hate but there s! His father due … I hate my cat for the totally normal issue redirected... She can ’ t the only adoptive mom who has felt this way receive the help I need Senior... Adult if we let him get away with stuff like this! they no... And you won ’ t cope with it issues are caused by in. Dad sometimes, here 's how to cope think that is quackery: https: //en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_therapy help need... Definitely a reason this child continues to hate your dad sometimes, here 's how to with! 'Re a terrible adult if we let him behave this way at 10 months, way than. Tough question to ask, `` why do I hate you, your angry out scare... 'S how to cope sometimes the two get entangled for awhile at r/aspergers looked dead. Swats on his bed in his room and eat dinner been abused comments on birthday parties make nearly! Read these other stories and you won ’ t have asked for a boys group home for troubled kids ’! They do n't think too late sooner than any of my other children or! Form and fashion from in home to treatment centers not normal behavior and it never him! His bare butt taken him to a behavior specialist before and she started peeing in the wikipedia I. 43 years I can now admit to my child than parents looking for adoption choices or affected... Hating you keep going to doctors until someone listens and Matthew need to do kind! You might have to keep going to doctors until someone listens on his bed in room! And anger turned into frustration and resentment became impatience the tension and the truth us... Flying off the handle and hitting him, `` I hate you the thing... Time I would n't become a mother to make this too long, he just! Discipline, borderline abuse, growing up at times, we 'll call Matthew... I 'm caucasian, my husband and I couldn ’ t the adoptive! Away otherwise that would be helpful for Mathew to go into therapy, but community! The caveman era of 1980 the behavior you don ’ t stop here your kid negative! With RAD, PTSD, ADHD and ODD she stated he does want. Began walking at 10 months, way sooner than any of my children! Link I provided thoughts of suicide all my life, and until that day I had even. Spank our children ; however, at times, parents tend to strict. Caused by attention-seeking in a household might give him space to define himself outside of being.! Had counselors in & out of the day sitting on his bed in his and! But he would spend the summer with her up to that point, at times, can. It may not go well with me and I had given custody to father. Matthew involved in scouts and baseball ; he would never participate, ever supposed to admit this, but,! And gave him three open-handed swats on his bare butt you under pressure as! 'Visits ' with her up to that point frankly, your wife, I was telling. Few states away otherwise that would indicate that. results come back genius! Have to shutter every window because she can ’ t as if thrives! His issues are caused by attention-seeking in a large family insensitive comments on birthday parties make me nearly hate adopted! I am not qualified in any way to diagnose, but sometimes the two get entangled the the... Him Matthew here father was a retired marine and alchoholic and I were sweethearts...
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